People know exactly what to do, but don’t always do what they know

Apr 2024 | Blog

Whether it concerns raising your child, doing your homework on time, or not letting your emotions prevail in uncontrollable situations. In other words, using obstructive language (harsh) words that you already know will hurt the other person. You know it and you’re going to do it anyway.

Parenting is an art and during this route no one receives an instruction manual from their child. If, in the parent’s experience, they do not meet expectations, it may happen that words are chosen that cause a lot of damage on an unconscious level.

Examples such as; You are a bad child, your listening skills are awful. You will never grow up, and no one wants to hire you for a nice job. Actually we didn’t plan to have a child, but you are here anyway.
When you ask the messenger a question about this, the person says, yes, but of course that was not meant, it is just a statement and I do not mean it that way. That’s great that it wasn’t meant, but the damage is already there because the recipient cannot make that separation at that moment. He/she only hears what has just been spoken and that hurts a lot, or I am not welcome as a child. That is the translation that takes place in the head of the person.

What about the everyday things in traffic, whether or not you drive through a red light. Ample attention is paid to this during the driving lessons. And yet there are people who drive through red lights every time. Is this always conscious? The answer is obvious: no, this is mainly unconscious. Like, I’ll just make it because you want to show up for an appointment on time. Or your thoughts are completely somewhere else and before you know it you drive through a red light.

Another good example is the way we treat each other. We all know that a good conversation consists of hearing both sides. The pitch, choice of words, speed of speech, whether or not you look at each other can have a considerable influence. What choice of words do you use exactly? Are they soothing words or do they sound and feel like cannonballs? Once spoken you can never retrieve them, so they always land somewhere with that person.

And how damaging can it be if during a meeting, you think that everything can be said freely and you discover that there is quite a lot of backbiting. Afterwards people talk about what they wanted to talk about in the meeting, but nobody dare to speak out loud. Even though there was room for it during the meeting. So they talk about it at the pantry together.
How is this possible, you may wonder? What I have discovered is that people are sometimes very afraid to really tell what is going on, fear that you will look silly or don’t find the right words at that moment. Fear of not getting that promotion in your job because you go against their wishes, fear of dropping out of the group, fear of possibly being fired or of losing a friendship.

If the motivation is “fear” not to say something or to say something in disguise, then it is high time to zoom in deeper. This costs the business community a lot of money, while something can be done about it. Getting to know each other or yourself better on a deeper level produces great results, increasing performance with much more pleasure relaxation and fun.

Where does this come from? That can be a great question. Most of the time, you have to go back to the roots of that person. In my belief, every person is beautiful, but sometimes their behaviour is not conducive to the environment and the person itself. Can this be changed? The answer is a big YES. We have a flexible brain and that’s great because it allows us to tap into new sources and therefore build different behaviour.

If you would like to know more about this topic, and how you are able to turn this into a more conductive way of communication, feel free to contact us.
We are happy to assist you!

Make it a beautiful day!


Jos Frederiks